Pyrrhic Victories

Pyrrhus was the king of Epirus, who defeated Roman armies at Asculum, 280 B.C., but at such cost to his own troops that he was unable to follow up and attack Rome itself. He is said to have remarked, "one more such victory and we are lost."

That is so often the parenting style taken on, not by others, but by moi. When our oldest was in fourth grade, she wanted me to take her to school and pick her up. We had two younger ones; I was in graduate school, and her request I thought of as unnecessary. She caught the bus, and besides that, could easily walk to her dad's office after school, only a few blocks away. All of that is true and practical, and the place I missed was I never found out why she wanted me to pick her up. I did not sit with her, hear her, honor and respect her request.

At thirty-one she told me why--How she simply wanted that time alone with me, wanted to be seen and cared for in that way, and my heart did fill with regret--not that I didn't give her everything she asked for, but that I didn't find out the intent motivating her unmet want. I wasn't open, and I won that victory, which I now consider a lost opportunity.

We begin our conversations with others, having predetermined the relationship, projecting onto them what we know to be true. "I know" is an immediate disconnection from others. Not knowing, being curious and open is a state of being that is both humble and alive with possibility. It's the state I was in when I heard our daughter this time, and now forgiving myself fully for what I didn't do then is another step into not knowing and curiousity--I don't know how all of the misses I did as a parent are gifts to my children. That's a concept beyond my understanding, but my daughter yesterday told me it was true. My misses as a parent and my openness about those now have taught her how she wants to be with her son. And, so it goes.

Blended Families Coach: Marcia Walker

The family structure is no longer two parents with 2.4 children. "Family" can mean a single mom with children, a single father with children, two moms, two dads, step moms, step dads, grandparents who parent their grandchildren, and so it goes--We've changed our definition through the Reality of what is.

If you're a part of a blended family, and looking for a coach to facilitate the re-creation of your family, Marcia Walker, is a top of the line choice. She is the step mom/mom in a functioning family, and her "Step By Step" approach facilitates uncovering mythology about the wicked stepmother and uncovering the opposite extreme--that a step parent is capable of the same attachment to the step child as the biological parent. With Marcia, you can learn what is possible for your blended family. Her skill and personal presence (even on the phone) will encourage and change your family to be more than you thought possible. So, if you're part of a blended family, send Ms. Walker a note.

"New Traditions: Redefining Celebrations for Today's Family" by Susan A. Lieberman

This past Labor Day Weekend, our three adult children, daughter-in-law and new grandson traveled to Seeley Lake, Montana. It was our fourth summer in a row to make the trek, the first with our three children and this time we were seven total. We traveled in two cars from Bozeman to Seeley Lake Tamaracks Resort, a pristine, impeccable, for generations family run Montana resort.

It was, for me, the most connecting family vacation I've experienced, and there were three elements that created this highly esteemed outing. First, we were all sleeping in the same cabin instead of separate ones as we had in the past; next, we were relatively drama-free, and finally, we were each responsible for the creation and leadership of a one hour group activity.

These group activities were each unique because everyone made their own choices--and there was no collaboration. In one session, we each talked about visions of the future. Another time we jumped in the early morning freezing lake. We played badminton and wrote letters to the baby for him to read at some future date (those dates ranged from when he's ten to when he becomes an Uncle). We sat together and napped, read, wrote letters and played on a laptop. We played cards, a game from our daughter-in-law's heritage, and finally, we did an affirmation process that had the feel of a meditation.

The willingness of each person to participate fully (and to sometimes not) was inspiring and fine and caused me to wonder what else might be possible. We bring meaning into our lives, give it ground and substance through traditions that say, "This is who we are." I'm dreaming now of how we, together as a family, can give back to humanity. What better way to support our love and spread it out.

P.S. Check out Ms. Lieberman's book on family celebrations for a plethora of ideas.

Learning By Doing

Last weekend, I traveled to San Francisco to Brad Brown's memorial service. Brad, mentor and beloved teacher, died on August 10. Here are a few thing I learned from Brad:

• How to forgive myself and others


• How to clear my thinking by telling the truth


• How to claim my personal authority without being aggressive, pleasing or passive


• How to create art by allowing the art to emerge


• How to release the illusion of control


• How to co-create results with Life


• How to be on an intentional path of self-actualization by processing events in my life


• How to be present, in the here and now


• How to meditate

Brad did not write a book on these subjects, but he designed experiential trainings that included processes-- "how-to's". He impacted thousands of lives from the United States to the United Kingdom and South Africa and New Zealand. He will be missed by many, and I know his essence is here, every time I use one of the processes he created. He has imprinted my being with his brilliance and love, and empowered me to choose my life.

More To Life October 12, 13, 14

Last week, ten of us gathered at Claud's and my house for the first of a five part series of "Coffee Talks" and "Previews" that lead up to the More To Life Weekend Elaine Alpert, Senior Trainer and I will train on October 12,13.14, 2007 in Bozeman, Montana.

We had seven students of the program and three guests present, and we used Dr. Brad Brown's Guidelines to Relationships to talk about our own relationships and how we are being in them. One student talked about feeling frustrated and angry, having witnessed mistreatment of a child. This was anger and resentment we all understood.

We talked about the pain of resentment, how it hurts us, claims our lives in an underhanded way, contaminates our ability to stay present, to love ourselves, our lives, to love others. Yet at the end of all our talk, there was no obvious door that led out of that troublesome place of resentment.

Amazingly, More To Life is a training filled with how to accomplish that which appears impossible--like fully forgiving, without hesitation or recrimination. I've sat with people as they did just that--completed the task, felt light afterwards, easy in themselves, heartened.

If you've taken the More To Life Weekend, come play on team October 12, 13, 14. There is no skill needed to do that--just more opportunity to claim your life. If you haven't taken More To Life, I invite you to attend a Coffee Talk and Preview. It's a chance to explore this program that offers more--mostly more of you being yourself.

Upcoming Parenting Course

In my opinion, the most important thing a parent can do is to grow themselves. When I do that, I provide for my children an atmosphere of clarity and integrity. I can be trusted because I am authentic and authoritative, without being demanding.

For five Tuesday evenings from 7:00 to 9:00, October 30 through November 27 (an exception is that we may meet on Monday, November 19 instead of Tuesday, the 20th), I will be teaching a Parenting Class in Bozeman, Montana. It is aptly called, "Your Child As Zen Master: A Parenting Class" because we'll be exploring our 'stuck' places with our children--not from the perspective of 'what's going on with my child?' but from the perspective of 'how am I reacting (or over reacting) to my child?'.

Carl Jung said that if you want to be a good parent, do your own personal work. He also had the notion that when a parent is over reactive toward their child, it's because of their own projections. For instance, I had a difficult time when I was nine, so it was challenging for me to maintain my connection with my own children when they were nine.

In this Parenting Course, you'll note your own projections and then do your personal work so that you become more congruent, providing your child with a steady rooted-ness that children, no matter their age (and mine are grown) thrive in.

If you are interested or would like more information, Email or call 406 570 3791. If you're not in Bozeman and want to have this course in your city, let me know. We'll see what we can work out!

Voice Movement Therapy

Jackson, our three week old grandson, is vocal--more so than I remember our children being. I think it's because his mom, while birthing him, used Voice Movement Therapy throughout. Her birthing experience was so powerful--her voice so expressive and open--that the midwife has asked, "Now who was it you did VMT with?" She has another mom-to-be who wants to prepare for childbirth with our daughter's VMT therapist, Kelly Close.

Having my own voice has been an issue for me. I was raised in the South, third daughter and by the time I came along, I don't think my parents had the bandwidth to hear me. And, being a child, I took it personally--thinking that meant I had nothing to say.

Jackson seems to have a head start. He's a noisy guy--not with crying but with the full expression of whatever he is experiencing. I think he got it from being in the birthing canal and hearing his mom, chanting and singing her way through childbirth. Her voice, his voice--to him it's the same. He still knows we are one, and he doesn't mind telling us.

There Really Is More

I have taken ten Advanced Courses through the More To Life Program, and most of those have been with Brad Brown, PhD. He is pictured here, in the middle, between Claud and me. Lately, I've felt as thought I'm in a personal advanced course. Our grandson, Jackson, was born on August 4, and on the following Friday, August 10, Brad, mentor and beloved teacher, passed from this life. The intensity of these experiences reminds me of times with Brad, in the mountains of Georgia and the woods of California--he, the teacher and me, with others, the student. The past three weeks have been the same--a holy time of gathering true priorities and releasing roles, expectations and demands.

Brad was large physically and an even bigger presence--not always comfortable to be around--unless, of course, I was comfortable with myself. He held a space for human nobility, and I feel his presence often these days and remember what he said or what someone told me he said.

In Way of a Warrior, one of the More To Life Advanced Courses, Brad taught us that Life comes to us to awaken us to our humanity, authenticity and love-ability. But he told a friend of mine that ultimately, every event in life is awakening us to our love-ablity. Will I receive and give love?--That is the bottom line.

Perhaps I'll call this 'advanced course' I've been in these past weeks--"It is Calling You" and the 'it' would be love. Will I receive and give love when I'm not only gaining a grandson, but also relinquishing my role as caretaker for our daughter, as she steps more fully into herself, her marriage and her motherhood? Will I receive love from Brad, sit in the circle of people who knew him, instead of buying into--"He knew too many, meant too much for me to acknowledge the impact he had on my life." Will I receive and give the love that is pounding away at my defensiveness--with my husband's gentle look and touch, one child's delima, problems at work, or my own belief that I'm somehow left out, not called.

If you have a mentor, sit with that person and listen, and if, like Brad, that one calls you to yourself, to love All that is--sit some more. Love--the great underpinning of Life, the Reality that is God, the calling--and answering that is ours to do or not, every moment--is It.

That Relentless Call

Last August 4, on a Saturday at 1:01 PM, our daughter and son-in-law had Jackson. This picture is of him, right after he was born. To me, he is a miracle--this birth, new life and hope in our midst.

Claud and I sit on the porch most mornings, talking and sharing in a way that we didn't when our children were living with us. Back then we were talking with them, getting them off to school, having breakfast, providing rides or discussions of 'who gets the car anyway?' Now we have the time to talk, and it is both sweet and a little strange, given how we've been with our children.
This morning Claud was talking about all the times he wasn't present with his life, the children, the people around him. You probably know exactly what he meant. I did. And yet, here Life is again in the form of Jackson, still constant, still saying "Wake up!" "Stay present!" This is a relentless call--in the clear, cool mountain air or in the smoke, so heavy from the fires that we sometimes sit inside--It is the same. Will I be present now and now and now--to the child, the coolness, the smoke.

Authenticity

I'm surprised how much of the 'playing it cool' I do is unconscious protection. It's not that I don't like being alone or enjoy getting things done (checking off a task list does release endorphins). I like to plan for the future, to cook a tasty dinner and sit and talk, and there is a part of me that is, without question, action oriented. But I don't always come forward with what I really want---I would rather not even know what I want when I consider rejection.

Right now, as we await the birth of our first grandchild, I am awash with deep feelings---seeing and then not wanting to see the REALITY of life---that everything changes. I feel like the Velveteen Rabbit, as though my false self is being rubbed away and with the coming of my wrinkles is the uncovering of my soul. I see myself more often within the context of my death, and that 'seeing' impacts my relationship with our grown children.

Yesterday I talked with my husband and two of our children about what I want. With age, it's been easier for me to understand what is important to me, and though I have some sadness about the passing of time, I'm glad to have more of my voice and my own willingness to be vulnerable. I want to maintain and deepen connection--not through keeping our large house in which we've raised our children, but through an honest attachment, one that is willing to say yes or no.

I think I'll buy the Velveteen Rabbit. I'm ready to read it now because even though I still love to get things done and to plan, I also glimpse how absolutely vulnerable we all are. I am in that time of life, knowing that people we love die, and they sometimes do that before we think they should, knowing that there is always opportunity to connect and an awe-filled well of true love within us that can reach beyond any accumulation of wealth.

I don't think that the authentic 'Law of Attraction' is about making our lives the way we think we want them. But instead trusting that life itself is after us, always promising the richness and fullness of love. We don't control that with our thinking but it is a given.

A Yoda for Our Children

When our son was thirteen years old, Claud gathered men who were important to him for our boy's initiation ceremony into manhood--a sort of Native American Bar Mitzvah for a child without any cultural heritage on which he could lean. It was an avant garde evening for sure. The men met in the woods, sitting in a teepee together, talking, until our thirteen year old was challenged by them with a predetermined conflict. Our son resolved a racial slur, one man toward another, with surprising acumen--and slept that night alone, on the side of a mountain, explicit instructions in mind. If he arose before sunrise, the snakes would still be sleeping. I'm sure he didn't sleep that night.

Housed within this initiation are elements of the Hero's Journey--
--The call to adventure--A road of trials --Achieving the goal --Returning to the ordinary world --And application of the learning--Rent Star Wars, and you'll see the same: The hero who answers the call to adventure, meets trials--(even that of a father who has chosen the dark path)--achieves his goal and returns to the ordinary world, equipped with an internal knowing.

We love that movie, watch it over and over, consider it a classic. It sold millions of toy Luke Skywalkers, and for years now, Chewbacca has been a part of our mythology. We see ourselves in each character--cheering for that part in us that is both foolish, young and heroic--repelled by the notion of ourselves as the evil Darth Vader who would consume his own. All of this twentieth century tale brought to vivid form in movie theatres is the ancient myth of the journey, and it is loved because it is a story about us.

Our daughter expresses a need for a village in which to raise her boy. There are older women and men who have collected her, expressed their care, initiated her into motherhood with showers and gifts and excitment for what is next. I hope that in the midst of this village, our grandson will find a wise one, not yet known, who will mentor him--some Yoda to offer guidance on his journey, until he knows the same within. And, I wish the same for us all--even believe it possible.

Love

A friend's husband died two days ago. He was in his nineties, certainly old enough to die, but our pregnant daughter cried and cried. She'll have her baby in the next weeks, and she was close to him, having rented his upstairs apartment until recently, seeing him through the course of their lives.



I remember when I was a girl in high school, and my friend introduced me to the concept that with every death, there is a birth. I'm reminded of that now, as we await the coming and going of those we love, this natural flow.



In preparation for their baby, our daughter and her husband have remodeled the house my husband and I lived in when we were their age. We've kept it these twenty-three years as a rental, and it had fallen in disrepair. They've brought it back with color and their care for place. This is where their baby, our grandson will play and rest and teach our own daughter and son-in-law something of love.



Our bereaved friend loved, as she ushered her husband of forty-six years to the other side, washing his body and laying flowers, gently, to say her goodbye. Love is, as I alternately find joy and forgiveness for my own life, lived with some growing wisdom as I acknowledge our human frailty and nobility. I witness love as I sit on my daughter's porch, once my own, watching her burgeoning form, tears falling from her eyes in awe of this coming child and the taking of her place as 'mother'.



I can see through this dim glass that this is our only need--task--requirement, commission--it is only love.

Being Different Doesn't Mean Being Wrong

I am consulting with an up and coming business in Bozeman, providing the latest in Organizational Engineering with the I Opt tool, an assessment that measures how individuals process information. This particular assessment has excellent validity and reliability and was created in 1991 by Dr. Gary Salton. I recommend taking a look.

As I study I Opt, it occurs to me that this particular assessment would be excellent for families. I'm impressed that it reveals the way individuals process information, certainly a major motivator of behavior. What's going on that they do what they do anyway??

Besides describing each individual's processing style (there are four basic ways), I Opt's program can also describe how a team of people will function--the ups, downs, ins, outs. In fact, they can show clients how to build a team that produce specific results. It's a matter of getting the right combination.

So how about it? Along with deciding what color of eyes our children have, couldn't we, once we had them, use the I Opt to 'better understand, measure, predict and guide the behavior' of our families?

For instance, Claud and I are are both the youngest in our original families, and perhaps that's not why, but our parenting styles have sometimes been less organized (yet with the value of creativity) than I wished. What if someone had entered our home and identified how Claud and I processed information, which would have shed light on what was motivating our sometimes scatteredness. Perhaps the I Opt computer would have spit out recommendations about how we might adjust to create a more functional family--or maybe added students from a cultural exchange program to balance us out.

According to I Opt, when an individual processes differently than another, if they don't understand why, they think the other person is wrong! (Sound familiar?) Another comment, that gave me hope, is that this particular tool, not only helps people understand each other, but once they understand, they continue to treat each other differently. What a relief--some acceptance followed by change and walla--better results.

I say all of this as an I Opt Relational Innovator (someone who can make connections out of what others might think are disconnected avenues of thought). And, if you aren't a Relational Innovator too, you might not be able to follow this blog. Just keep in mind that we're different--and that doesn't make either of us wrong.

Narrative Therapy: What's Your Story?

In preparation for the upcoming Parenting Class, I've been reading about Narrative Therapy and find the concepts stimulating. One interesting notion is that "an alternative to traditional therapeutic certainty is curiosity." To elucidate, in traditional therapy the client is diagnosed as having a certain problem (depressed, anxious, dependent, etc.), and the therapist is the expert who 'knows' rather than being curious about the client. The problem belongs to the client, rather the client having a problem outside their identity.

These concepts have some parallels to authoritarian versus authoritative parenting. For instance, an authoritarian parent would take the more shaming view of the child as the problem--"She is an angry child who must be controlled!" while the authoritative parent would externalize the problem by saying--"There is this anger that she's dealing with. Let's find out how she sees that impacting her."

I've done the authoritarian or certainty route as a parent, thinking I understood this or that behavior (and of course I would with a Masters in Mental Health Counseling). The notion of simply being curious about my child is outside the purview of the mind. Who is this person anyway? What is their life like at home, school, work, with their friends and in my case, with their significant other?

Narrative Therapy holds that our identity, who we see ourselves to be, is shaped by our stories, both personal and societal. When our stories are full of problems, this negatively impacts our identity. Sometimes, the answers to these problems are in the alternative, 'on the fringe of our lives' stories we don't think to tell. We don't tell these alternative stories because we put front and central in our view, stories that are bereft with problems. We rely on dualities such as healthy/unhealthy; normal/abnormal; and functional/dysfunctional. We rely on the stories given to us by our culture, rather than telling the complex, multifaceted narrative of our lives. In a sense, when we tell the 'fringe' stories, we are thinking outside the box.

The motto: “The person is not the problem, the problem is the problem” is central to Narrative Therapy. With this foundation, there is not only more curiosity for the therapist, but less shame for the client, and the therapist shifts the client's focus away from self-attack, looking at the problem as separate from the person and seeing how that problem influences the client.

Could we do the same with our children? When there is a problem, we could externalize it and shift our thinking away from any shame or recrimination and simply deal with the problem, with curiosity as our foundation.

I think that would require us, as parents, to not blame ourselves for what we think we are seeing, to not rely on traditional interpretation, to not project our upset onto the child. A lot of (k)NOTS! So what would be required, besides what to not do? Self-love, understanding the chatter between our ears and applying veracity--in essence our own growth is required. Add to that curiosity and the story unfolds!

What Are Your Thoughts On This Question?

Recently, a friend of mine posted an interesting question to a bevy of women who have been discussing and answering my friend's thought provoking question via email. Having just completed UNPAC: A Couple's Course, I found her question relevant--and I paraphrase--

"Why be in an intimate relationship--Is it
children? I can do
that alone....Is it intimacy? I have that with my
girlfriends....Is it sex?
Is that all?"

I do think that the couple relationship informs children. If there's something amiss with the parents, the children know and will express that in some form. The couple partnership--married, divorced, friends, enemies-- is foundational to a child's understanding of life and relevant to parenting.

It was helpful to me to ponder her question, and I've included, as part of this blog, her question and my answer. I'd enjoy hearing your responses!

her question...."What is different and sets a relationship with a
significant
other apart from the rest of your relationships, apart from
sex and children?

and my response....

"For me, companionship, children, and a support partner are
obvious benefits of being in an intimate relationship.

Besides
those, an
intimate partner relationship is perhaps the most significant
pathway to
spiritual and emotional growth. People are attracted to someone
with whom they
can work out
unfinished business from their childhood.
Otherwise, there's no
attraction. And through this difficulty, our deepest
wants and needs can be
fulfilled. The inevitable power struggle is the
spiritual journey on offer.

For instance, when I say yes to whatever
Life brings me with Claud, and
I'm willing to see Claud as a unique person,
and not as me--when I take back my
projections and am vulnerable with him,
when I own what I want and say it
solidly and I let my "yes" be "yes"
and my "no" be "no", when I choose love,
over and over, I am not only
growing the relationship but I am meeting my
destiny--
creating myself
as a woman who is closer to Source and more closely
the creation I'm meant to be.

The
rubbing against each other seems the problem, but it
is actually the answer
to how to become real."

Parenting: Your Child As Zen Master

I am studying Emotional Freedom Tapping (EFT), planning on using it for the Parent's Course Claud and I are teaching this summer in Bozeman, Montana. Yep, that's right, after Claud and I completed the fourth of our five session Couple's Course (that in the future we'll call UNPAC for UNconscious Partner Attractor Characteristics), I asked Claud if he'd like to teach and help design the upcoming Parenting Course. He said an enthusiastic 'yes'.

It was a rich and fulfilling experience teaching UNPAC: A Couple's Course, and the participants, after completing the course, acknowledged Claud for his contribution. They appreciated having the perspective of a man and a woman, and they appreciated being with another couple who have been through the common struggles of intimacy. I'll send you some of their comments when we get them.

So, back to the Parenting Course--I have been deeply influenced by Gordon Neufeld's work (I took his Power To Parent course this summer with our daughter and son-in-law). I walked away from it struck by how good parenting comes from over and over, strongly attaching to our children. In other words, don't be held hostage by the latest theory on how to gain control over children, but instead gain enough wisdom and authority to deeply attach. Then our influence over them is because they respect and love us, not because we know how to manage them.

This is an elegant request, but not always easy to do since it's not easy to keep our intelligence in the midst of raising them, or our maturity in the middle of our own immaturity (and this immaturity can happen at 27 or 37 or 59, as I recently turned).

The general design, the 'cut' on this upcoming, soon to be released Parenting Course will be how to grow ourselves up while we're growing our children up. This will include real time, today issues, and we'll lean into them and learn together, taking back our projections, reclaiming our role as Parent and calming ourselves down enough so we can actually do all this.

I plan on using EFT and do recommend the EFT Forum--a discussion amongst folks using this method for kids and issues about them. Like chi gong, it is a kind of energy psychology, which I've found personally empowering--and empowering to the people with whom I've facilitated .

Let me know what you think about the forum and any ideas, thoughts, reflections or questions you have about the Parenting Course. It already has a name--Parenting: Your Child As Zen Master. Sound familiar?

Parents: A Unified Front

As Claud and I complete the Couple's Course this Monday evening, I am struck again by how much a couple's relationship informs children. Last week during our fourth session, the conversation turned to the importance of presenting a "unified front" to our children. An interesting concept, and one I agree with, if the "unified front" is the couple in limbic resonance--in honest agreement. But the term, "unified front" sounds like the oft fought war between parents and children--a lose-lose dynamic.

As the parent of adult children, having gone through the experience of parenting for the past thirty years, it matters to me that I learn more and more about being authentically Jan. Otherwise I miss out on my life, and misguide others. I'm only offering a presentation or a suggested front with my husband.

And let's not fool ourselves--Children know what's going on. They are (as one psychologist told me when Claud and I were in therapy with one of our children) in the middle of our relationships.

Who Are Our Children?

A friend sent me this email, appropriately entitled, "Mother Of The Year". Enjoy!

In a zoo in California , a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy, the cubs were born prematurely and due to their tiny size, they died shortly after birth.The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to decline in health, although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve. After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only orphans" that could be found quickly, were a litter of weanling pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger. Would they become cubs or pork chops? Take a look...you won't believe your eyes!!

Now, please tell me one more time..........
why can't the rest of the world get along?

What Is My Place In the Midst of the Fires?

As I watch the fires in the great Northwest and hear of floods in my home state of Texas, I am aware of our changing earth, and I can only imagine what these changes mean.

My husband, an engineer, says, philosophically--"Things will be different." And, in my mind that is the way it has always been--only now things are different, faster.

As a grandmother, a mother, a woman, concerned citizen of this earth, I know it matters that I keep myself steady in the midst of these changes--standing firm and awake, with my heart open to the message Mother Earth is sending.

There is action to be taken--our response to this climate change. And, as the Council of Grandmothers suggests, this is also a time to connect ourselves with our "ancestral ways of prayer". These indigenous women gather with their traditions. My much more recent ancestors are Southern Baptist, but as a friend of mine once said (and I paraphrase)... "The aiyee-ya-ya-ya sounds of our Native brothers and sisters are strangely similar to the old Baptist hymns we sang as children...."

The fires are here, encroaching upon beautiful Montana, and I join these Native Grandmothers in the prayer of our collective ancestors.

We, the International Council of Thirteen
Indigenous
Grandmothers, believe that our ancestral ways of prayer,
peacemaking
and healing are vitally needed today. We come together to
nurture,
educate and
train our children. We come together to uphold the
practice
of our ceremonies
and affirm the right to use our plant medicines
free
of legal restriction. We
come together to protect the lands where our
peoples live and upon which our
cultures depend, to safeguard the
collective
heritage of traditional medicines,
and to defend the earth
Herself. We
believe that the teachings of our ancestors
will light our way
through an uncertain future

Letting Go

In my imagination, I will die an old woman with beloved children and grandchildren gathered around me, and I will be ready.

But right now, in this moment, I don't want to think about dying. I prefer thinking about the new baby and about our daughter, happy with her size, doing what she calls an 'egg dance' around her house. She says she looks like an egg.

I sometimes, too, don't want to think about the fact that all three of our children are grown or close to it, and this is an era of letting go of what for so long just was--and making way for something else.

It started when our same 'egg dancer' went to second grade. Before then I had home schooled her--taught her how to tell the difference between a moth and a butterfly by looking at the fuzzy antennas the moth wore. They're different than a butterfly's. I wrote somewhere in some journal about those days. I don't know where the journal is or as parents always say--where the time went.

I do know that when I look into the future now, I don't see our girl in her blue coat, zipped tight around her neck, looking slightly frightened in my mind, heading off to school and all the beginning and letting go that meant for me and for her.

Instead I anticipate a time when we will welcome this soon-to-be grandson, and more and more--we will see our children making choices without any approval or advice from me or my husband.

In all this, there is a surrender I must, I am required to acknowledge, as certainly as our pregnant daughter will relinquish the 'egg dance' for another, not yet known dance with a son she will never own.

Women In Art, Women In Life

Claud and I are teaching a Couple's Course (email me for information about our upcoming, online Couple's Course) and in it, exploring three basic Escapes out of intimate relationship--

Stonewalling (any kind of avoiding conflict, withdrawal into addictions or the children, work, computer)

Caretaking (pleasing and giving to get something back--or even 'pleasing' with a bitter attitude)

Criticizing (blaming, attacking, accusing)

In each case there's a message of I will control you so that I'm o.k.--

• I will not give in to you, or I won't be o.k.
• I will fix you so that I can be o.k.
• I will create fear in you so that you will change, and I'll be o.k.

When I move toward Claud--rather than away from him, when I am vulnerable about myself, and when I allow him to influence me, then I can learn rather than take early-learned Escape Routes away from him.

The gender differences in all this are particularly interesting---For instance, men are more likely to stonewall and women more likely to criticize and caretake, men typically more sensitive to relational conflict (heart rate rising and sweat--remember men were the ones hunting for meat, alert and women were around the fire, nurturing and learning how to deal with interpersonal stuff).

And one make or break aspect of relationship is this: Husbands who allow themselves to be influenced by their wives are much more likely to have success in those intimate relationships. (Of course, this doesn't address same sex relationships, but some of my gay friends have told me that they take on gender specific roles, one playing the typical 'male' role and the other 'female'.) It just doesn't work, no matter religious beliefs, in today's world, in this country to relate hierarchically.

Enjoy this video--For me, it evokes a love for all women, and inspires me to continue in the evolution of women by owning my voice--at home and in the world. Like men, we can't be put in a box, and I can own my 'Jan-ness' and not fall into old habits from childhood or unconscious gender roles.

Women in Art

Add to My Profile More Videos

Who Am I, Anyway??

I'll be teaching a parenting class this summer--Your Child As Zen Master,---and in my explorations for the class, I've run across an interesting book that helps parents understand which style their child prefers. Check out Elizabeth Wagele's The Enneagram of Parenting for some fun cartoons that illustrate each of the nine Enneagram behavioral styles. In this case, a picture is certainly worth a thousand words, and the sometimes difficult to understand Enneagram made simpler by Wagele's work.


If you'd like to know your Enneagram type, you can take the free Enneagram Test on this blog. I've also ordered Know Your Parenting Personality by Janet Levine--In my opinion, self-awareness is where it's at when it comes to parenting.

Let me know what you think about the test!

Impact of Parental Conflict on Children

No matter what the words, communication is mostly non-verbal. I'm thinking of a mentor who often said to me, "The words sound right, Jan, but I don't get it." She was picking up on something unspoken--the tone of my voice, the look in my eyes, the way I held my body. I sent a message to her that was spoken without words, and my words were simply a cover for what I felt inside--which was, in those cases, incongruent with what I said.

In the same way, the atmosphere we, as parents create, the unspoken message we send our children is loud and clear. According to a recent report in the BBC, parent's can create such a negative atmosphere that even a child's learning is hampered.

"Children who blame themselves for their parents'
relationship
difficulties are more likely to have academic problems,
Cardiff University
research has found."

And, the children internalize the arguing--blaming themselves for it.

With parenting, techniques that get the child to change don't work in and of themselves--just as my words didn't work when I was sending a more salient, non-verbal message to my friend and mentor. It is the connection between the parent and child, the attachment that gives parents clout to influence their children--no matter the age.

That's why I think parenting is a huge opportunity for personal growth. If I'm to be the parent I want to be, then it's up to me to be the person I want there, with my children. Not a simplistic task, and without promises of how it will turn out. But certainly with promises of learning to be my most congruent, loving, open self and influencing my children, no matter their ages, to be the same--an ever opening opportunity for us all.

Honoring Limitations

In May, 2000, I attended our daughter's graduation from Smith College and Judy Chicago gave the commencement address. Ms. Chicago, feminist, author, educator, and artist, spoke about her life, her career, and her understanding of limits. One particular statement she made that lovely Spring day in Northampton, Massachusetts, I'll never forget--It rang that true for me.

"I believe that one of the pernicious lies that has been told to your generation
is that one can 'have it all.' Although I can't explain how I knew it, I always
knew that this was not possible. [When] I looked to history, I discovered that
those women who had achieved at the level at which I had set my sights had been
childless and those that were not had suffered constant guilt at not being able
to meet the demands of both their work and their children."

I've not always admitted my limitations (three children, marriage, a career and a strong commitment to a nonprofit organization). It makes sense that I haven't because in Chicago's view, our culture has given us women the notion that we can have it all.

As I ponder Chicago's view and that of sociologist, Sharon Hays, I am aware of the internal conflicts I have between my personal and professional life, and these two women have raised my consciousness.

Knowing myself, my choices, my limits--knowing what brings me joy and then having the courage to have my 'yea' and my 'nay', is my path. Not Judy Chicago's, Susan Hays', my daughters' or son's path--but my own. And I am committed to the inner voice that is calling me toward my path, myself.

Kids Say The Darnest Things

We are proud to let our friends know that our son is married, master's degree educated and doing well with his first full time, professional job.

Recently, he said the 'darnest thing' (Kid's Say The Darnest Things). He told my husband and me, "I didn't realize how hard it was to save and make money, and so I was critical of you both. Now I realize that it takes a lot to earn money and save it, and I can see why you didn't do a better job."

Of course, I was primed for him to say, "You actually did a great job with earning and saving your money." He doesn't think that---He simply relates to us as human, just as he sees himself.

If I am, as a parent, going to hear the true voices of our three adult children, it will need to be framed within the purview of self-acceptance and humor. Otherwise, I doubt they will say what's on their minds because of concern they might offend.

I want to hear what our son has to say because I love him, and I am only limited in that by my ability or inability to love myself. Check out Byron Katie's work as a way to develop more self-acceptance, and Art Linkletter's life to find out about growing lighter while aging--noble goals.

Doing It Right and Being a Mom

In The Cultural Contradictions of Motherhood, Dr. Sharon Hays speaks about the conflict of mothering and career expectations that women face today. For two years, Dr. Hays, a sociologist studied thirty-eight women from all different classes.

Here is something she has to say about women in our culture never being able to get it right:

"If a woman voluntarily remains
childless, some will say she is cold,
heartless and unfulfilled as a woman.
If she is a mother who works too hard
at
her job or career, some will
accuse her of neglecting the kids. If she
does not
work hard enough,
some will surely place her on the 'mommy track,'
and her career
advancement will be permanently slowed by the claim that her
commitment
to
her children interferes with her work place efficiency. If she
stays
at home with
her children, some will call her unproductive and
useless.
A woman, in other
words, can never fully do it right."

.

Creating Community

Our daughter and her husband, who are expecting in late July, are remodeling the house she lived in as a small child. It's been a rental for twenty-three years, simply because we couldn't give it up when we moved---There were just too many memories.

That house, a small bungalow with a basement apartment, was where two of our children were born and the doctor stayed for breakfast because his wife brought it. We planted trees in our backyard--one for each child, and this multi-generational neighborhood boasted a bevy of children, an octogenarian widow and everything between. We were mothers of small children, and we cared for each other's children because we were at home, together. It wasn't unusual to stay at home then, and we weren't running any cottage industries.

In the summer, my husband would pull out the barbecue pit for any neighbors who wanted what people would later call block parties, except these parties were spontaneous, and after dinner and children running through our collective yards, we tucked our little ones in bed, called our neighbor, left the phone beside our sleeping children (an intercom created by my engineer husband) and ran across the street to watch the latest phenomenon--movies on a VCR--a miracle in 1983.

I could go on, remembering Mrs. Black, our eighty plus next door neighbor who, out of sympathy I think, brought me flowers from her garden when I was two weeks overdue--and she carried with her a comforting tale about the approaching full moon. Our son was born under that full moon, and I look back on that time with Mrs. Black and see how naturally she shared her wisdom and kindness with me.

I don't know how typical we were. I know some young parents in the 1980's were having a similar experience--I'm sure not all. I do think we had a sense of connection and belonging that was translated to our children through the living of it. In Dr. Rayne's recent blog about creating community, she talks about the reasons we don't reach out to the children, in particular--the teenagers around us--

"because we all move so much.... because
we're freaked out by teenagers,
and.... because we're so focused inwardly
that we don't pay attention to
other people's families any
more"

I agree with her and will, like her, go out on a limb and expand on her idea by offering some more reasons we don't connect.

If you think of time as a piece of paper, I think that as a society, we no longer have the margins. Dr. Richard Swenson talks about how we can create more Margin time, and he also says that we've filled our analogous paper more and more, until we have fewer margins or unmarked, spontaneous time. His ideas make sense to me, when considering the number of two career families, the second job of housework and childcare, and cottage industries (now when is it I stop working?)

As a whole, I think we are attached to productivity for our self-esteem. As chuck the girl says about her own workalcoholism--

"It (overwork) makes you feel important. as in "I CANT sleep! I'm
too important! I'm needed
22 out of the 24 hours a day!" plus it leaves no
time for all of those pesky
existentialist ruminations you're doing at 2 am
if you get insomnia and actually
are lucky enough to have a job that allows
you to earn a living and still sleep
8 hours a night. if you are a
workaholic you don't have that problem. because
you didn't get insomnia.
because you were already up at 2 am doing a spreadsheet
for something at
work. and spreadsheets are so uncomplicated and clean and leave
no room for
existentialist thoughts. Plus it really simplifies the ole personal
life. I
mean, yeah maybe you sense a dull void somewhere in the back of your
mind
that meaningful somebodies are missing from your life and you haven't
contacted your best friend or your gang for awhile. but its only a slight
sense
of that dull void. not an acute longing. and remember, just like pesky
existentialism, you now no longer have time for all of the complications
brought
on by friendships."

Well said about time and work....and...besides all the hoopla about time (which is significant)...the potential for who our community is has expanded exponentially. Case in point: I'm sitting in my office in my four square house of twenty-three years and with whom am I in conversation? It's Dr. Rayne and Tom Parish--who live in Austin, Texas, interestingly, in the same neighborhood. Tom, a friend since the 1990's and Karen Rayne--whom I've never met, except online. I could go on, and you get the point. In fact, when given the time to reflect on her life--who does "chuck the girl" go to anyway?--Her online tribe are the ones--because of common interests--not because they are in close proximity.

When I look at my life now and compare it to twenty something years ago, I see a shift in the culture that is part of the dialogue Dr. Rayne has introduced. She suggests paying attention to one child or teenager. Good idea. And while we're at it, we might give ourselves the time to create that relationship. Whether it's inside or outside of the Internet, I suppose, is the individuals choice and an inevitable, sometimes exciting, sometimes frustrating addition to our wondrous lives.

Emotional Freedom Tapping for Children

Recently, I spoke with a friend, a mother who wants to take the Parenting: Your Child As Zen Master Course I'm offering this summer in Bozeman. We were talking about Emotional Freedom Tapping (EFT), a methodology we'll use in the course. When I'm relating to my children, if I'm clear, then I have more to offer them--more of myself, my skill, my love, my wisdom. As I was explaining the benefits of EFT, I mentioned this as a technique she could teach her son.

Her response was honest and something I know from my own experience as a parent. She said, "Why don't YOU teach him. He may not want to hear it from me!" So, my next course will be for children--An EFT Course for either elementary, preadolescent or adolescent children, or perhaps young adults who are this generations older children (since, according to some experts, kids today aren't adults until they are about 28 years old!).

Case in point: in studying for the MCAT's, our youngest bumped her score up from 30 to 36 after ONE tapping session with an EFT coach. So why not a better baseball game, more confidence with friends, studies, the opposite sex? I can see a lot of opportunities here and want to know what you think.

Enjoy the video about EFT from Gary Craig, well know 'spreader of the EFT message'!

How To Connect On Mother's Day

We have a tradition in our family of acknowledging each other on holidays. Last Christmas, I bought small, ribbon-tied journals with different patterns and colors and had each person put their name in the front of their journal. Then each person passed their journal around our circle, and every family member had opportunity to write a personal note in each person's journal, acknowledging them for what they saw in them. Afterwards, everyone put their journal under the tree, and on Christmas Day, they had a chance to read their journal to themselves, or some family members read parts of them aloud.

It was a sweet and connecting experience, and I'm thinking about what would be fun for Mother's Day dinner. I'm excited about this Mother's Day because there will be three mothers at our table on Sunday night. One will be me, another our daughter who is expecting this summer, and another will be a friend, colleague, and the CEO of the non profit organization (http://www.moretolife.org/) in which I train and coach.

If the timing is right, I'll have each person at the table tell a story about their mother. In this fast paced world, we've lost much of the art of conversation. Tolfler says in his latest book, Revolutionary Wealth (http://www.amazon.com/) that Americans don't eat dinner together, and in fact, they don't even watch t.v. together anymore since everyone has their own t.v. or computer to engage them.

I want to encourage lingering around the table, conversation and connection. I can't think of a lovelier Mother's Day gift.

Predictors of Relationships

Recently, our daughter and son-in-law were over for dinner, and my husband told a slightly embarrassing tale from our early marriage. The story was exemplary of me....and my "managing-others" automatic behavior. Fortunately we all had a good laugh.

It goes like this--After we'd been married a couple of years, Claud and I took a six week trip around the U. S. It was 1972, and we traveled from Houston, Texas through the southwest, up the California and Oregon coasts, over to Montana, where we had met in 1969 while working at the Many Glacier Hotel in Glacier National Park, and then to Michigan to visit friends before making a bee line home. Our mode of transportation, a white utility van we had revamped, was complete with curtains, a bed and all the camping equipment necessary for living on the road. We didn't have a lot of extra money so, magnanimously, I put myself in charge of trip finances.

Outside of Las Vegas, while stopped by road construction on a steamy hot day in our un-airconditioned vehicle, I deemed as the perfect time to offer Claud breakfast. I poured him a cooking pan worth of corn flakes, topped it off with some luke warm milk and suggested if he ate it, we would save the expense of eating out in Las Vegas.

John Gottman (www.gottman.com) has been doing research about couples, and he says that in the first three minutes of interviewing a couple, he can tell whether or not the relationship will work. A friend also told me that when a couple marries, research indicates that if either the bride or groom smash the wedding cake on the other's face, that marriage is likely to end in divorce. Makes sense to me, considering the inherent disrespectfulness of that one act.

In the small things, we can notice how we are in the grander scheme. However I am in this moment and this moment and this moment paints the larger picture of my life, and the story Claud recently told was one that predicted a problem I would have in both my marriage and in my parenting--my tendency to manage others.

My commitment of late is to get it that I'm only responsible for my life and live each moment from that perspective. It's not my job to fix, to manage, to not see hurt, pain, discomfort. It is my want to be present and hold the possibility for transformation. And that is enough.

Fundamental Responsibility

As it turns out, I'll be teaching not only a couple's course this summer in Bozeman, Montana, but also a Parenting Course. Each of these are pilots, and my intent is to eventually teach them online. So if you're interested in one of the courses, or both, please email me at djanmatney@gmail.com. I'll start the online courses this Fall.

I believe that our most salient reasons for personal development are within the context of our intimate relationships. I simply gain steam to do my personal work because I want my relationships to be connecting and real and loving!

When I take the focus off of my child or my partner, and pay attention to myself, the deeper gifts of parenting and partnering are mysteriously and not so mysteriously uncovered.

That doesn't mean I am unaware of what I think my children or partner are doing that may not be working for them. It just means that I am noticing what I have the most control over--my own reaction to them. Each time I do that, my spiritual path unfolds again.

A fundamental responsibility of self is what we'll be aiming for in both courses so that participants can be accountable for their part in their relationships and create genuine intimacy.

Sibling Rivalry

When our children were young, I remember tying to stop their fighting. One day I put our two younger children in a room alone and said, "Come out when you've settled this." I don't remember if they worked it out or not, but I do remember the huge relief I felt at getting myself out of the middle.

Siblings sometimes fight, and though that can't be completely controlled, I think it's important for parents to both allow the arguments and have some ground rules.

Here are some tips when your children fight: (from Siblings Without Rivalry www.fabermazlish.com )

1. Set up these two golden rules and reinforce them if ever they are broken:

a) "NO hitting in our house. We don't hit. Say what you want to say with words! It's not o.k. to hit."

b) "NO name calling in our house. That's not o.k. You can say you're angry or frustrated about what happened, but no name calling."

2. If someone is hit, always pay attention and show empathy toward the child that was hit, and ignore the one who did it, except to do 1."

3. Treat children equally, spending equal time and equal money (or as close as you can get!) on each child.

4. Spend special time alone with each child.

Birth Control?

I worked for fourteen years as a psychotherapist, and when dealing with women with depression and/or anxiety, I never, in all those years, asked the question "Are you taking birth control pills?" In recent years, I've become more concerned about the hormonal imbalance and resultant anxiety and depression that can happen from birth control pills. Statistics indicate only a small minority of women are negatively emotionally impacted, but that's not the feedback I get from the women in my life.

If you have daughters who are considering birth control medication, you might want to read the discussion below that women, boyfriends and physicians are having. And another source for discussion is here. It's different news than the published stats.

One young man watched the transformation in his girlfriend after going off birth control medication, and when he was asked about taking the pill for men, he immediately said, "No way." He's not sexist, just wary of suffering as she did.
Not taking birth control pills may seem antithetical to the Feminist Movement and certainly, the medical establishment's view, but sussing out your own answers for your own body is important.

This doesn't address the issue of adolescent sexuality, and how to advice our children to protect themselves emotionally and sexually as they grow and mature (Check out www.adolescentsexualitytoday.blogspot.com for a conversation with Dr. Karen Rayne on this issue.) It's just a different cut--Even if children make seemingly healthy choices with their burgeoning sexuality (i.e., "yes!" to birth control pills), that particular choice may not be the best choice for their mental health. It's important that we, as parents and professionals, pay attention and sometimes let go of "the way it's done" so we notice the way it is for that particular person.

The Antidote: Forgiveness

I'm teaching a couples' course this summer and have been pursuing two of my favorite related books, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman and Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendricks www.amazon.com

At first blush, this may seem unrelated to parenting, but the milieu in which children live and breath is established not only by the internal state of parents but also by the way in which parents relate to each other.

I'm particularly struck by Gottman's "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling", and how these problematic behaviours impact couples (and as a result--children).

Gottman www.gottmaninstitute.com claims that in the first minutes of a couple's conversation, he can predict how their relationship with turn out, and interestingly, I think Shonnie Lavender, couple's coach, claims the antidote for these very problems.

Check it out on her recent blog "One Skill is essential to a lasting, happy marriage." www.marriagevowworkbook.com, and let me know what you think.

Jeffrey Sachs

Black Elk, a Ogala Sioux once wisely said, "We are related to all things: the earth and the stars--everything."

Jeffrey Sachs, foremost economist and advisor, speaks of this same mystery in a series of talks with the BBC. http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/reith2007/ Sachs lectures about our interconnectedness and urges us to stop spending money on war and start building a solid infrastructure for the poor (clean water, food, shelter). He cautions about new diseases impacting us all.

It's easy for my mind to hear this message and be fearful. But if I step away from my fear and open my heart, I can hear Sachs message. Sure, I can listen to my children as I parent them. I can learn from them. But what about their future? Ten million people die every year from poverty related issues, and it makes sense to the head and the heart to address these issues. www.open2.net.

Caretaking and children

The last couple of weeks have been challenging for me, especially in regards to my parenting. I haven't liked that--having in me that life should be easier, go the way I want it to go.

But in the midst of life-as-it-is, I've had a chance to dismantle parts of my care taking behavior and see how (though it appears noble to me) how disempowering it is. When I'm not awake, I don't take care of myself or stand up for myself. I try to fix my kids--getting embroiled in their issues.

When I notice my frustration, it seems like it's because of the proverbial "them". It's their fault. But the frustration is toward myself for being too afraid of losing them to have my boundaries. I want to claim myself as the omniscient, omnipresent and revered mama.

In the 12-Step program www.sobercircle.com they call me a co-dependent--no argument from me.

I am not in charge of their dear lives. My own humanity and my own inability to continually protect these dear children is reality. They don't belong to me anyway.

Interconnectedness

I recently completed training the More To Life Weekend http://www.moretolife.org/ in Knoxville, Tennessee. Nineteen lovely souls participated, and twenty-six students of that program served them during the weekend.

At the end of the experience, I played Soon Love Soon by Vienna Teng. We were all gathered, having worked courageously, to heal the war that rages within. We stood and sat, listening with mind and heart, saying goodbye to this time we had shared, and serendipitously, a father rose from his seat to hold his infant son who had just joined us. Inseparable from the music and the words was this visual of father and son, and in that moment, we saw the song and ourselves.

We are undeniably connected, and when we see it, hear it, open our hearts, every child is welcome and wanted.

Our Human Need for Attachment

In the Virginia Tech slayings, we have ourselves another Columbine. And as I watch the news and see the face of the young man who took his peers' lives and then his own, I wonder what happened to him. Was he born with a propensity toward violence or was he forced into such strict lines by his parents and teachers that he burst through those lines with a final expression of profound frustration? Only two of a myriad of explanations I could concoct.

I juxtapose that news against the Montana Montessori Educator's Association Convention I attended at the beginning of April with my daughter. At it, Maurine Bright, Montessori teacher and parenting coach said that a child's most profound need is to be attached. Before "Take out the trash"; "Where are your socks!"; "You forgot again!" there are three required ingredients to create attachment. They are eye contact, a nod and a smile. (www.gordonneufeld.com) It's a way of saying "I see you. You matter." Or if you've read General Theory of Love (a prosaic account blending knowledge of our biology and psychology), when we nod, make eye contact, and smile, we are creating limbic resonance with those we love.

I don't believe we can know all of the mysteries of the young man who violently and without recourse took the lives of the men and women at Virginia Tech. I do believe that in this world of pressure to achieve, to get in the right school, to have that career--in the world of demands, we have a need to connect, to allow the dust to settle, to level the waters between us and have the sense of 'we' that is within our reach. As human beings, we need to breath next to someone loved and feel their heart beat so we know, in our bodies and at a cellular level, that we are not alone. We are spinning on an orb in space, connected.

Ode To Gratitude

It's all summed up in a word and felt in a body
And seen in each moment, tasted, heard

And lost-over and over, again and again

For if we knew fully

--touched completely
There would be nothing more than a constant state of wonder
Tears streaking down our faces with no time for

coffee shops, business meetings,

--papers, degrees, preparations for later
Diets and deadlines would be eradicated from the absolute and inexplicable wonder that being alive, in this body, on this firmament, this April 7, 2007 moment of time, 3:00 PM
And all would live life in gratitude

But instead, we struggle to find that state
Found in the middle of grief when mothers tell their grown children they don't want to leave them
And step to the other side
Found in a sunny day

for no reason claiming us
Found in seeing the girl of his dreams

the woman who will fully, through the years replace us in his heart
Found in the great cavern, gentle, nothing Saturday afternoon
holding these children who don't know much more than the dreams of their future jobs

or babies or a new bedroom set
Gratitude
Something in me wants to make it cute

or an acronym for some clever expression
But instead it is a formidable friend

beckoning me beyond reason to live within the speechless breath it recommends
In unknown wonder of it all

Staying Awake

The snow is blazing through our downtown Main Street. I can see the Ellen Theatre sign and above it, covered in white, the name of some movie promising escape.

When our three children were little, my husband joked to them about how he would stuff his mouth with popcorn and then stick a straw in the side of his mouth. The coke would dissolve all the popcorn. Life can be avoided, muted.

Perhaps life is just too intense to face. If we did we might be overwhelmed, living always in the context of death, never able to turn away from the inevitability of our impermanence. Every time the marquee above the theatre changes or we make it to the end of the month without overdrawing our account, there is a certain relief.

And still there is the other side. I couldn't capture the children and hold to their youth, but instead the lines on their faces grow, just as my own. I even saw my father, stoic most of his life, opened by life's insistent refinement. Even rocks change. We seem to be barreling toward some profound love that rubs away illusion until we are rendered real. It is not ours to control. It is ours to stay awake.