Letting Go

In my imagination, I will die an old woman with beloved children and grandchildren gathered around me, and I will be ready.

But right now, in this moment, I don't want to think about dying. I prefer thinking about the new baby and about our daughter, happy with her size, doing what she calls an 'egg dance' around her house. She says she looks like an egg.

I sometimes, too, don't want to think about the fact that all three of our children are grown or close to it, and this is an era of letting go of what for so long just was--and making way for something else.

It started when our same 'egg dancer' went to second grade. Before then I had home schooled her--taught her how to tell the difference between a moth and a butterfly by looking at the fuzzy antennas the moth wore. They're different than a butterfly's. I wrote somewhere in some journal about those days. I don't know where the journal is or as parents always say--where the time went.

I do know that when I look into the future now, I don't see our girl in her blue coat, zipped tight around her neck, looking slightly frightened in my mind, heading off to school and all the beginning and letting go that meant for me and for her.

Instead I anticipate a time when we will welcome this soon-to-be grandson, and more and more--we will see our children making choices without any approval or advice from me or my husband.

In all this, there is a surrender I must, I am required to acknowledge, as certainly as our pregnant daughter will relinquish the 'egg dance' for another, not yet known dance with a son she will never own.

Women In Art, Women In Life

Claud and I are teaching a Couple's Course (email me for information about our upcoming, online Couple's Course) and in it, exploring three basic Escapes out of intimate relationship--

Stonewalling (any kind of avoiding conflict, withdrawal into addictions or the children, work, computer)

Caretaking (pleasing and giving to get something back--or even 'pleasing' with a bitter attitude)

Criticizing (blaming, attacking, accusing)

In each case there's a message of I will control you so that I'm o.k.--

• I will not give in to you, or I won't be o.k.
• I will fix you so that I can be o.k.
• I will create fear in you so that you will change, and I'll be o.k.

When I move toward Claud--rather than away from him, when I am vulnerable about myself, and when I allow him to influence me, then I can learn rather than take early-learned Escape Routes away from him.

The gender differences in all this are particularly interesting---For instance, men are more likely to stonewall and women more likely to criticize and caretake, men typically more sensitive to relational conflict (heart rate rising and sweat--remember men were the ones hunting for meat, alert and women were around the fire, nurturing and learning how to deal with interpersonal stuff).

And one make or break aspect of relationship is this: Husbands who allow themselves to be influenced by their wives are much more likely to have success in those intimate relationships. (Of course, this doesn't address same sex relationships, but some of my gay friends have told me that they take on gender specific roles, one playing the typical 'male' role and the other 'female'.) It just doesn't work, no matter religious beliefs, in today's world, in this country to relate hierarchically.

Enjoy this video--For me, it evokes a love for all women, and inspires me to continue in the evolution of women by owning my voice--at home and in the world. Like men, we can't be put in a box, and I can own my 'Jan-ness' and not fall into old habits from childhood or unconscious gender roles.

Women in Art

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Who Am I, Anyway??

I'll be teaching a parenting class this summer--Your Child As Zen Master,---and in my explorations for the class, I've run across an interesting book that helps parents understand which style their child prefers. Check out Elizabeth Wagele's The Enneagram of Parenting for some fun cartoons that illustrate each of the nine Enneagram behavioral styles. In this case, a picture is certainly worth a thousand words, and the sometimes difficult to understand Enneagram made simpler by Wagele's work.


If you'd like to know your Enneagram type, you can take the free Enneagram Test on this blog. I've also ordered Know Your Parenting Personality by Janet Levine--In my opinion, self-awareness is where it's at when it comes to parenting.

Let me know what you think about the test!

Impact of Parental Conflict on Children

No matter what the words, communication is mostly non-verbal. I'm thinking of a mentor who often said to me, "The words sound right, Jan, but I don't get it." She was picking up on something unspoken--the tone of my voice, the look in my eyes, the way I held my body. I sent a message to her that was spoken without words, and my words were simply a cover for what I felt inside--which was, in those cases, incongruent with what I said.

In the same way, the atmosphere we, as parents create, the unspoken message we send our children is loud and clear. According to a recent report in the BBC, parent's can create such a negative atmosphere that even a child's learning is hampered.

"Children who blame themselves for their parents'
relationship
difficulties are more likely to have academic problems,
Cardiff University
research has found."

And, the children internalize the arguing--blaming themselves for it.

With parenting, techniques that get the child to change don't work in and of themselves--just as my words didn't work when I was sending a more salient, non-verbal message to my friend and mentor. It is the connection between the parent and child, the attachment that gives parents clout to influence their children--no matter the age.

That's why I think parenting is a huge opportunity for personal growth. If I'm to be the parent I want to be, then it's up to me to be the person I want there, with my children. Not a simplistic task, and without promises of how it will turn out. But certainly with promises of learning to be my most congruent, loving, open self and influencing my children, no matter their ages, to be the same--an ever opening opportunity for us all.

Honoring Limitations

In May, 2000, I attended our daughter's graduation from Smith College and Judy Chicago gave the commencement address. Ms. Chicago, feminist, author, educator, and artist, spoke about her life, her career, and her understanding of limits. One particular statement she made that lovely Spring day in Northampton, Massachusetts, I'll never forget--It rang that true for me.

"I believe that one of the pernicious lies that has been told to your generation
is that one can 'have it all.' Although I can't explain how I knew it, I always
knew that this was not possible. [When] I looked to history, I discovered that
those women who had achieved at the level at which I had set my sights had been
childless and those that were not had suffered constant guilt at not being able
to meet the demands of both their work and their children."

I've not always admitted my limitations (three children, marriage, a career and a strong commitment to a nonprofit organization). It makes sense that I haven't because in Chicago's view, our culture has given us women the notion that we can have it all.

As I ponder Chicago's view and that of sociologist, Sharon Hays, I am aware of the internal conflicts I have between my personal and professional life, and these two women have raised my consciousness.

Knowing myself, my choices, my limits--knowing what brings me joy and then having the courage to have my 'yea' and my 'nay', is my path. Not Judy Chicago's, Susan Hays', my daughters' or son's path--but my own. And I am committed to the inner voice that is calling me toward my path, myself.

Kids Say The Darnest Things

We are proud to let our friends know that our son is married, master's degree educated and doing well with his first full time, professional job.

Recently, he said the 'darnest thing' (Kid's Say The Darnest Things). He told my husband and me, "I didn't realize how hard it was to save and make money, and so I was critical of you both. Now I realize that it takes a lot to earn money and save it, and I can see why you didn't do a better job."

Of course, I was primed for him to say, "You actually did a great job with earning and saving your money." He doesn't think that---He simply relates to us as human, just as he sees himself.

If I am, as a parent, going to hear the true voices of our three adult children, it will need to be framed within the purview of self-acceptance and humor. Otherwise, I doubt they will say what's on their minds because of concern they might offend.

I want to hear what our son has to say because I love him, and I am only limited in that by my ability or inability to love myself. Check out Byron Katie's work as a way to develop more self-acceptance, and Art Linkletter's life to find out about growing lighter while aging--noble goals.

Doing It Right and Being a Mom

In The Cultural Contradictions of Motherhood, Dr. Sharon Hays speaks about the conflict of mothering and career expectations that women face today. For two years, Dr. Hays, a sociologist studied thirty-eight women from all different classes.

Here is something she has to say about women in our culture never being able to get it right:

"If a woman voluntarily remains
childless, some will say she is cold,
heartless and unfulfilled as a woman.
If she is a mother who works too hard
at
her job or career, some will
accuse her of neglecting the kids. If she
does not
work hard enough,
some will surely place her on the 'mommy track,'
and her career
advancement will be permanently slowed by the claim that her
commitment
to
her children interferes with her work place efficiency. If she
stays
at home with
her children, some will call her unproductive and
useless.
A woman, in other
words, can never fully do it right."

.