Impact of Parental Conflict on Children

No matter what the words, communication is mostly non-verbal. I'm thinking of a mentor who often said to me, "The words sound right, Jan, but I don't get it." She was picking up on something unspoken--the tone of my voice, the look in my eyes, the way I held my body. I sent a message to her that was spoken without words, and my words were simply a cover for what I felt inside--which was, in those cases, incongruent with what I said.

In the same way, the atmosphere we, as parents create, the unspoken message we send our children is loud and clear. According to a recent report in the BBC, parent's can create such a negative atmosphere that even a child's learning is hampered.

"Children who blame themselves for their parents'
relationship
difficulties are more likely to have academic problems,
Cardiff University
research has found."

And, the children internalize the arguing--blaming themselves for it.

With parenting, techniques that get the child to change don't work in and of themselves--just as my words didn't work when I was sending a more salient, non-verbal message to my friend and mentor. It is the connection between the parent and child, the attachment that gives parents clout to influence their children--no matter the age.

That's why I think parenting is a huge opportunity for personal growth. If I'm to be the parent I want to be, then it's up to me to be the person I want there, with my children. Not a simplistic task, and without promises of how it will turn out. But certainly with promises of learning to be my most congruent, loving, open self and influencing my children, no matter their ages, to be the same--an ever opening opportunity for us all.