Creating Community

Our daughter and her husband, who are expecting in late July, are remodeling the house she lived in as a small child. It's been a rental for twenty-three years, simply because we couldn't give it up when we moved---There were just too many memories.

That house, a small bungalow with a basement apartment, was where two of our children were born and the doctor stayed for breakfast because his wife brought it. We planted trees in our backyard--one for each child, and this multi-generational neighborhood boasted a bevy of children, an octogenarian widow and everything between. We were mothers of small children, and we cared for each other's children because we were at home, together. It wasn't unusual to stay at home then, and we weren't running any cottage industries.

In the summer, my husband would pull out the barbecue pit for any neighbors who wanted what people would later call block parties, except these parties were spontaneous, and after dinner and children running through our collective yards, we tucked our little ones in bed, called our neighbor, left the phone beside our sleeping children (an intercom created by my engineer husband) and ran across the street to watch the latest phenomenon--movies on a VCR--a miracle in 1983.

I could go on, remembering Mrs. Black, our eighty plus next door neighbor who, out of sympathy I think, brought me flowers from her garden when I was two weeks overdue--and she carried with her a comforting tale about the approaching full moon. Our son was born under that full moon, and I look back on that time with Mrs. Black and see how naturally she shared her wisdom and kindness with me.

I don't know how typical we were. I know some young parents in the 1980's were having a similar experience--I'm sure not all. I do think we had a sense of connection and belonging that was translated to our children through the living of it. In Dr. Rayne's recent blog about creating community, she talks about the reasons we don't reach out to the children, in particular--the teenagers around us--

"because we all move so much.... because
we're freaked out by teenagers,
and.... because we're so focused inwardly
that we don't pay attention to
other people's families any
more"

I agree with her and will, like her, go out on a limb and expand on her idea by offering some more reasons we don't connect.

If you think of time as a piece of paper, I think that as a society, we no longer have the margins. Dr. Richard Swenson talks about how we can create more Margin time, and he also says that we've filled our analogous paper more and more, until we have fewer margins or unmarked, spontaneous time. His ideas make sense to me, when considering the number of two career families, the second job of housework and childcare, and cottage industries (now when is it I stop working?)

As a whole, I think we are attached to productivity for our self-esteem. As chuck the girl says about her own workalcoholism--

"It (overwork) makes you feel important. as in "I CANT sleep! I'm
too important! I'm needed
22 out of the 24 hours a day!" plus it leaves no
time for all of those pesky
existentialist ruminations you're doing at 2 am
if you get insomnia and actually
are lucky enough to have a job that allows
you to earn a living and still sleep
8 hours a night. if you are a
workaholic you don't have that problem. because
you didn't get insomnia.
because you were already up at 2 am doing a spreadsheet
for something at
work. and spreadsheets are so uncomplicated and clean and leave
no room for
existentialist thoughts. Plus it really simplifies the ole personal
life. I
mean, yeah maybe you sense a dull void somewhere in the back of your
mind
that meaningful somebodies are missing from your life and you haven't
contacted your best friend or your gang for awhile. but its only a slight
sense
of that dull void. not an acute longing. and remember, just like pesky
existentialism, you now no longer have time for all of the complications
brought
on by friendships."

Well said about time and work....and...besides all the hoopla about time (which is significant)...the potential for who our community is has expanded exponentially. Case in point: I'm sitting in my office in my four square house of twenty-three years and with whom am I in conversation? It's Dr. Rayne and Tom Parish--who live in Austin, Texas, interestingly, in the same neighborhood. Tom, a friend since the 1990's and Karen Rayne--whom I've never met, except online. I could go on, and you get the point. In fact, when given the time to reflect on her life--who does "chuck the girl" go to anyway?--Her online tribe are the ones--because of common interests--not because they are in close proximity.

When I look at my life now and compare it to twenty something years ago, I see a shift in the culture that is part of the dialogue Dr. Rayne has introduced. She suggests paying attention to one child or teenager. Good idea. And while we're at it, we might give ourselves the time to create that relationship. Whether it's inside or outside of the Internet, I suppose, is the individuals choice and an inevitable, sometimes exciting, sometimes frustrating addition to our wondrous lives.

Emotional Freedom Tapping for Children

Recently, I spoke with a friend, a mother who wants to take the Parenting: Your Child As Zen Master Course I'm offering this summer in Bozeman. We were talking about Emotional Freedom Tapping (EFT), a methodology we'll use in the course. When I'm relating to my children, if I'm clear, then I have more to offer them--more of myself, my skill, my love, my wisdom. As I was explaining the benefits of EFT, I mentioned this as a technique she could teach her son.

Her response was honest and something I know from my own experience as a parent. She said, "Why don't YOU teach him. He may not want to hear it from me!" So, my next course will be for children--An EFT Course for either elementary, preadolescent or adolescent children, or perhaps young adults who are this generations older children (since, according to some experts, kids today aren't adults until they are about 28 years old!).

Case in point: in studying for the MCAT's, our youngest bumped her score up from 30 to 36 after ONE tapping session with an EFT coach. So why not a better baseball game, more confidence with friends, studies, the opposite sex? I can see a lot of opportunities here and want to know what you think.

Enjoy the video about EFT from Gary Craig, well know 'spreader of the EFT message'!

How To Connect On Mother's Day

We have a tradition in our family of acknowledging each other on holidays. Last Christmas, I bought small, ribbon-tied journals with different patterns and colors and had each person put their name in the front of their journal. Then each person passed their journal around our circle, and every family member had opportunity to write a personal note in each person's journal, acknowledging them for what they saw in them. Afterwards, everyone put their journal under the tree, and on Christmas Day, they had a chance to read their journal to themselves, or some family members read parts of them aloud.

It was a sweet and connecting experience, and I'm thinking about what would be fun for Mother's Day dinner. I'm excited about this Mother's Day because there will be three mothers at our table on Sunday night. One will be me, another our daughter who is expecting this summer, and another will be a friend, colleague, and the CEO of the non profit organization (http://www.moretolife.org/) in which I train and coach.

If the timing is right, I'll have each person at the table tell a story about their mother. In this fast paced world, we've lost much of the art of conversation. Tolfler says in his latest book, Revolutionary Wealth (http://www.amazon.com/) that Americans don't eat dinner together, and in fact, they don't even watch t.v. together anymore since everyone has their own t.v. or computer to engage them.

I want to encourage lingering around the table, conversation and connection. I can't think of a lovelier Mother's Day gift.

Predictors of Relationships

Recently, our daughter and son-in-law were over for dinner, and my husband told a slightly embarrassing tale from our early marriage. The story was exemplary of me....and my "managing-others" automatic behavior. Fortunately we all had a good laugh.

It goes like this--After we'd been married a couple of years, Claud and I took a six week trip around the U. S. It was 1972, and we traveled from Houston, Texas through the southwest, up the California and Oregon coasts, over to Montana, where we had met in 1969 while working at the Many Glacier Hotel in Glacier National Park, and then to Michigan to visit friends before making a bee line home. Our mode of transportation, a white utility van we had revamped, was complete with curtains, a bed and all the camping equipment necessary for living on the road. We didn't have a lot of extra money so, magnanimously, I put myself in charge of trip finances.

Outside of Las Vegas, while stopped by road construction on a steamy hot day in our un-airconditioned vehicle, I deemed as the perfect time to offer Claud breakfast. I poured him a cooking pan worth of corn flakes, topped it off with some luke warm milk and suggested if he ate it, we would save the expense of eating out in Las Vegas.

John Gottman (www.gottman.com) has been doing research about couples, and he says that in the first three minutes of interviewing a couple, he can tell whether or not the relationship will work. A friend also told me that when a couple marries, research indicates that if either the bride or groom smash the wedding cake on the other's face, that marriage is likely to end in divorce. Makes sense to me, considering the inherent disrespectfulness of that one act.

In the small things, we can notice how we are in the grander scheme. However I am in this moment and this moment and this moment paints the larger picture of my life, and the story Claud recently told was one that predicted a problem I would have in both my marriage and in my parenting--my tendency to manage others.

My commitment of late is to get it that I'm only responsible for my life and live each moment from that perspective. It's not my job to fix, to manage, to not see hurt, pain, discomfort. It is my want to be present and hold the possibility for transformation. And that is enough.

Fundamental Responsibility

As it turns out, I'll be teaching not only a couple's course this summer in Bozeman, Montana, but also a Parenting Course. Each of these are pilots, and my intent is to eventually teach them online. So if you're interested in one of the courses, or both, please email me at djanmatney@gmail.com. I'll start the online courses this Fall.

I believe that our most salient reasons for personal development are within the context of our intimate relationships. I simply gain steam to do my personal work because I want my relationships to be connecting and real and loving!

When I take the focus off of my child or my partner, and pay attention to myself, the deeper gifts of parenting and partnering are mysteriously and not so mysteriously uncovered.

That doesn't mean I am unaware of what I think my children or partner are doing that may not be working for them. It just means that I am noticing what I have the most control over--my own reaction to them. Each time I do that, my spiritual path unfolds again.

A fundamental responsibility of self is what we'll be aiming for in both courses so that participants can be accountable for their part in their relationships and create genuine intimacy.

Sibling Rivalry

When our children were young, I remember tying to stop their fighting. One day I put our two younger children in a room alone and said, "Come out when you've settled this." I don't remember if they worked it out or not, but I do remember the huge relief I felt at getting myself out of the middle.

Siblings sometimes fight, and though that can't be completely controlled, I think it's important for parents to both allow the arguments and have some ground rules.

Here are some tips when your children fight: (from Siblings Without Rivalry www.fabermazlish.com )

1. Set up these two golden rules and reinforce them if ever they are broken:

a) "NO hitting in our house. We don't hit. Say what you want to say with words! It's not o.k. to hit."

b) "NO name calling in our house. That's not o.k. You can say you're angry or frustrated about what happened, but no name calling."

2. If someone is hit, always pay attention and show empathy toward the child that was hit, and ignore the one who did it, except to do 1."

3. Treat children equally, spending equal time and equal money (or as close as you can get!) on each child.

4. Spend special time alone with each child.

Birth Control?

I worked for fourteen years as a psychotherapist, and when dealing with women with depression and/or anxiety, I never, in all those years, asked the question "Are you taking birth control pills?" In recent years, I've become more concerned about the hormonal imbalance and resultant anxiety and depression that can happen from birth control pills. Statistics indicate only a small minority of women are negatively emotionally impacted, but that's not the feedback I get from the women in my life.

If you have daughters who are considering birth control medication, you might want to read the discussion below that women, boyfriends and physicians are having. And another source for discussion is here. It's different news than the published stats.

One young man watched the transformation in his girlfriend after going off birth control medication, and when he was asked about taking the pill for men, he immediately said, "No way." He's not sexist, just wary of suffering as she did.
Not taking birth control pills may seem antithetical to the Feminist Movement and certainly, the medical establishment's view, but sussing out your own answers for your own body is important.

This doesn't address the issue of adolescent sexuality, and how to advice our children to protect themselves emotionally and sexually as they grow and mature (Check out www.adolescentsexualitytoday.blogspot.com for a conversation with Dr. Karen Rayne on this issue.) It's just a different cut--Even if children make seemingly healthy choices with their burgeoning sexuality (i.e., "yes!" to birth control pills), that particular choice may not be the best choice for their mental health. It's important that we, as parents and professionals, pay attention and sometimes let go of "the way it's done" so we notice the way it is for that particular person.

The Antidote: Forgiveness

I'm teaching a couples' course this summer and have been pursuing two of my favorite related books, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman and Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendricks www.amazon.com

At first blush, this may seem unrelated to parenting, but the milieu in which children live and breath is established not only by the internal state of parents but also by the way in which parents relate to each other.

I'm particularly struck by Gottman's "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling", and how these problematic behaviours impact couples (and as a result--children).

Gottman www.gottmaninstitute.com claims that in the first minutes of a couple's conversation, he can predict how their relationship with turn out, and interestingly, I think Shonnie Lavender, couple's coach, claims the antidote for these very problems.

Check it out on her recent blog "One Skill is essential to a lasting, happy marriage." www.marriagevowworkbook.com, and let me know what you think.

Jeffrey Sachs

Black Elk, a Ogala Sioux once wisely said, "We are related to all things: the earth and the stars--everything."

Jeffrey Sachs, foremost economist and advisor, speaks of this same mystery in a series of talks with the BBC. http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/reith2007/ Sachs lectures about our interconnectedness and urges us to stop spending money on war and start building a solid infrastructure for the poor (clean water, food, shelter). He cautions about new diseases impacting us all.

It's easy for my mind to hear this message and be fearful. But if I step away from my fear and open my heart, I can hear Sachs message. Sure, I can listen to my children as I parent them. I can learn from them. But what about their future? Ten million people die every year from poverty related issues, and it makes sense to the head and the heart to address these issues. www.open2.net.

Caretaking and children

The last couple of weeks have been challenging for me, especially in regards to my parenting. I haven't liked that--having in me that life should be easier, go the way I want it to go.

But in the midst of life-as-it-is, I've had a chance to dismantle parts of my care taking behavior and see how (though it appears noble to me) how disempowering it is. When I'm not awake, I don't take care of myself or stand up for myself. I try to fix my kids--getting embroiled in their issues.

When I notice my frustration, it seems like it's because of the proverbial "them". It's their fault. But the frustration is toward myself for being too afraid of losing them to have my boundaries. I want to claim myself as the omniscient, omnipresent and revered mama.

In the 12-Step program www.sobercircle.com they call me a co-dependent--no argument from me.

I am not in charge of their dear lives. My own humanity and my own inability to continually protect these dear children is reality. They don't belong to me anyway.