Voice Movement Therapy

Jackson, our three week old grandson, is vocal--more so than I remember our children being. I think it's because his mom, while birthing him, used Voice Movement Therapy throughout. Her birthing experience was so powerful--her voice so expressive and open--that the midwife has asked, "Now who was it you did VMT with?" She has another mom-to-be who wants to prepare for childbirth with our daughter's VMT therapist, Kelly Close.

Having my own voice has been an issue for me. I was raised in the South, third daughter and by the time I came along, I don't think my parents had the bandwidth to hear me. And, being a child, I took it personally--thinking that meant I had nothing to say.

Jackson seems to have a head start. He's a noisy guy--not with crying but with the full expression of whatever he is experiencing. I think he got it from being in the birthing canal and hearing his mom, chanting and singing her way through childbirth. Her voice, his voice--to him it's the same. He still knows we are one, and he doesn't mind telling us.

There Really Is More

I have taken ten Advanced Courses through the More To Life Program, and most of those have been with Brad Brown, PhD. He is pictured here, in the middle, between Claud and me. Lately, I've felt as thought I'm in a personal advanced course. Our grandson, Jackson, was born on August 4, and on the following Friday, August 10, Brad, mentor and beloved teacher, passed from this life. The intensity of these experiences reminds me of times with Brad, in the mountains of Georgia and the woods of California--he, the teacher and me, with others, the student. The past three weeks have been the same--a holy time of gathering true priorities and releasing roles, expectations and demands.

Brad was large physically and an even bigger presence--not always comfortable to be around--unless, of course, I was comfortable with myself. He held a space for human nobility, and I feel his presence often these days and remember what he said or what someone told me he said.

In Way of a Warrior, one of the More To Life Advanced Courses, Brad taught us that Life comes to us to awaken us to our humanity, authenticity and love-ability. But he told a friend of mine that ultimately, every event in life is awakening us to our love-ablity. Will I receive and give love?--That is the bottom line.

Perhaps I'll call this 'advanced course' I've been in these past weeks--"It is Calling You" and the 'it' would be love. Will I receive and give love when I'm not only gaining a grandson, but also relinquishing my role as caretaker for our daughter, as she steps more fully into herself, her marriage and her motherhood? Will I receive love from Brad, sit in the circle of people who knew him, instead of buying into--"He knew too many, meant too much for me to acknowledge the impact he had on my life." Will I receive and give the love that is pounding away at my defensiveness--with my husband's gentle look and touch, one child's delima, problems at work, or my own belief that I'm somehow left out, not called.

If you have a mentor, sit with that person and listen, and if, like Brad, that one calls you to yourself, to love All that is--sit some more. Love--the great underpinning of Life, the Reality that is God, the calling--and answering that is ours to do or not, every moment--is It.

That Relentless Call

Last August 4, on a Saturday at 1:01 PM, our daughter and son-in-law had Jackson. This picture is of him, right after he was born. To me, he is a miracle--this birth, new life and hope in our midst.

Claud and I sit on the porch most mornings, talking and sharing in a way that we didn't when our children were living with us. Back then we were talking with them, getting them off to school, having breakfast, providing rides or discussions of 'who gets the car anyway?' Now we have the time to talk, and it is both sweet and a little strange, given how we've been with our children.
This morning Claud was talking about all the times he wasn't present with his life, the children, the people around him. You probably know exactly what he meant. I did. And yet, here Life is again in the form of Jackson, still constant, still saying "Wake up!" "Stay present!" This is a relentless call--in the clear, cool mountain air or in the smoke, so heavy from the fires that we sometimes sit inside--It is the same. Will I be present now and now and now--to the child, the coolness, the smoke.

Authenticity

I'm surprised how much of the 'playing it cool' I do is unconscious protection. It's not that I don't like being alone or enjoy getting things done (checking off a task list does release endorphins). I like to plan for the future, to cook a tasty dinner and sit and talk, and there is a part of me that is, without question, action oriented. But I don't always come forward with what I really want---I would rather not even know what I want when I consider rejection.

Right now, as we await the birth of our first grandchild, I am awash with deep feelings---seeing and then not wanting to see the REALITY of life---that everything changes. I feel like the Velveteen Rabbit, as though my false self is being rubbed away and with the coming of my wrinkles is the uncovering of my soul. I see myself more often within the context of my death, and that 'seeing' impacts my relationship with our grown children.

Yesterday I talked with my husband and two of our children about what I want. With age, it's been easier for me to understand what is important to me, and though I have some sadness about the passing of time, I'm glad to have more of my voice and my own willingness to be vulnerable. I want to maintain and deepen connection--not through keeping our large house in which we've raised our children, but through an honest attachment, one that is willing to say yes or no.

I think I'll buy the Velveteen Rabbit. I'm ready to read it now because even though I still love to get things done and to plan, I also glimpse how absolutely vulnerable we all are. I am in that time of life, knowing that people we love die, and they sometimes do that before we think they should, knowing that there is always opportunity to connect and an awe-filled well of true love within us that can reach beyond any accumulation of wealth.

I don't think that the authentic 'Law of Attraction' is about making our lives the way we think we want them. But instead trusting that life itself is after us, always promising the richness and fullness of love. We don't control that with our thinking but it is a given.