I'm surprised how much of the 'playing it cool' I do is unconscious protection. It's not that I don't like being alone or enjoy getting things done (checking off a task list does release endorphins). I like to plan for the future, to cook a tasty dinner and sit and talk, and there is a part of me that is, without question, action oriented. But I don't always come forward with what I really want---I would rather not even know what I want when I consider rejection. Right now, as we await the birth of our first grandchild, I am awash with deep feelings---seeing and then not wanting to see the REALITY of life---that everything changes. I feel like the Velveteen Rabbit, as though my false self is being rubbed away and with the coming of my wrinkles is the uncovering of my soul. I see myself more often within the context of my death, and that 'seeing' impacts my relationship with our grown children.
Yesterday I talked with my husband and two of our children about what I want. With age, it's been easier for me to understand what is important to me, and though I have some sadness about the passing of time, I'm glad to have more of my voice and my own willingness to be vulnerable. I want to maintain and deepen connection--not through keeping our large house in which we've raised our children, but through an honest attachment, one that is willing to say yes or no.
I think I'll buy the Velveteen Rabbit. I'm ready to read it now because even though I still love to get things done and to plan, I also glimpse how absolutely vulnerable we all are. I am in that time of life, knowing that people we love die, and they sometimes do that before we think they should, knowing that there is always opportunity to connect and an awe-filled well of true love within us that can reach beyond any accumulation of wealth.
I don't think that the authentic 'Law of Attraction' is about making our lives the way we think we want them. But instead trusting that life itself is after us, always promising the richness and fullness of love. We don't control that with our thinking but it is a given.
1 comment:
Lovely post, as all of yours are. I have to agree with you in regard to the Law of Attraction - if I drew the things into my life that I had once thought I wanted, I'd have more than a few things, people, and situations that just don't fit me. For instance, I am quick to tell people that the photography that I am most passionate about, teens in their own environment, came into being serendipitously. And yet, what I feel when planning, shooting and reviewing these photos is complete fulfillment. I couldn't have guessed it would be this way without having had the experience first. But, it was watching the signs along the way and listening to my heart that brought me to the place where I snapped that first image. This, I think, is the Law of Attraction - being honest with our Yes's and No's and discovering that they bring us deeper into selves and deliver opportunities for joy with no great effort on our part.
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