Pyrrhic Victories

Pyrrhus was the king of Epirus, who defeated Roman armies at Asculum, 280 B.C., but at such cost to his own troops that he was unable to follow up and attack Rome itself. He is said to have remarked, "one more such victory and we are lost."

That is so often the parenting style taken on, not by others, but by moi. When our oldest was in fourth grade, she wanted me to take her to school and pick her up. We had two younger ones; I was in graduate school, and her request I thought of as unnecessary. She caught the bus, and besides that, could easily walk to her dad's office after school, only a few blocks away. All of that is true and practical, and the place I missed was I never found out why she wanted me to pick her up. I did not sit with her, hear her, honor and respect her request.

At thirty-one she told me why--How she simply wanted that time alone with me, wanted to be seen and cared for in that way, and my heart did fill with regret--not that I didn't give her everything she asked for, but that I didn't find out the intent motivating her unmet want. I wasn't open, and I won that victory, which I now consider a lost opportunity.

We begin our conversations with others, having predetermined the relationship, projecting onto them what we know to be true. "I know" is an immediate disconnection from others. Not knowing, being curious and open is a state of being that is both humble and alive with possibility. It's the state I was in when I heard our daughter this time, and now forgiving myself fully for what I didn't do then is another step into not knowing and curiousity--I don't know how all of the misses I did as a parent are gifts to my children. That's a concept beyond my understanding, but my daughter yesterday told me it was true. My misses as a parent and my openness about those now have taught her how she wants to be with her son. And, so it goes.

Blended Families Coach: Marcia Walker

The family structure is no longer two parents with 2.4 children. "Family" can mean a single mom with children, a single father with children, two moms, two dads, step moms, step dads, grandparents who parent their grandchildren, and so it goes--We've changed our definition through the Reality of what is.

If you're a part of a blended family, and looking for a coach to facilitate the re-creation of your family, Marcia Walker, is a top of the line choice. She is the step mom/mom in a functioning family, and her "Step By Step" approach facilitates uncovering mythology about the wicked stepmother and uncovering the opposite extreme--that a step parent is capable of the same attachment to the step child as the biological parent. With Marcia, you can learn what is possible for your blended family. Her skill and personal presence (even on the phone) will encourage and change your family to be more than you thought possible. So, if you're part of a blended family, send Ms. Walker a note.

"New Traditions: Redefining Celebrations for Today's Family" by Susan A. Lieberman

This past Labor Day Weekend, our three adult children, daughter-in-law and new grandson traveled to Seeley Lake, Montana. It was our fourth summer in a row to make the trek, the first with our three children and this time we were seven total. We traveled in two cars from Bozeman to Seeley Lake Tamaracks Resort, a pristine, impeccable, for generations family run Montana resort.

It was, for me, the most connecting family vacation I've experienced, and there were three elements that created this highly esteemed outing. First, we were all sleeping in the same cabin instead of separate ones as we had in the past; next, we were relatively drama-free, and finally, we were each responsible for the creation and leadership of a one hour group activity.

These group activities were each unique because everyone made their own choices--and there was no collaboration. In one session, we each talked about visions of the future. Another time we jumped in the early morning freezing lake. We played badminton and wrote letters to the baby for him to read at some future date (those dates ranged from when he's ten to when he becomes an Uncle). We sat together and napped, read, wrote letters and played on a laptop. We played cards, a game from our daughter-in-law's heritage, and finally, we did an affirmation process that had the feel of a meditation.

The willingness of each person to participate fully (and to sometimes not) was inspiring and fine and caused me to wonder what else might be possible. We bring meaning into our lives, give it ground and substance through traditions that say, "This is who we are." I'm dreaming now of how we, together as a family, can give back to humanity. What better way to support our love and spread it out.

P.S. Check out Ms. Lieberman's book on family celebrations for a plethora of ideas.