Pyrrhic Victories

Pyrrhus was the king of Epirus, who defeated Roman armies at Asculum, 280 B.C., but at such cost to his own troops that he was unable to follow up and attack Rome itself. He is said to have remarked, "one more such victory and we are lost."

That is so often the parenting style taken on, not by others, but by moi. When our oldest was in fourth grade, she wanted me to take her to school and pick her up. We had two younger ones; I was in graduate school, and her request I thought of as unnecessary. She caught the bus, and besides that, could easily walk to her dad's office after school, only a few blocks away. All of that is true and practical, and the place I missed was I never found out why she wanted me to pick her up. I did not sit with her, hear her, honor and respect her request.

At thirty-one she told me why--How she simply wanted that time alone with me, wanted to be seen and cared for in that way, and my heart did fill with regret--not that I didn't give her everything she asked for, but that I didn't find out the intent motivating her unmet want. I wasn't open, and I won that victory, which I now consider a lost opportunity.

We begin our conversations with others, having predetermined the relationship, projecting onto them what we know to be true. "I know" is an immediate disconnection from others. Not knowing, being curious and open is a state of being that is both humble and alive with possibility. It's the state I was in when I heard our daughter this time, and now forgiving myself fully for what I didn't do then is another step into not knowing and curiousity--I don't know how all of the misses I did as a parent are gifts to my children. That's a concept beyond my understanding, but my daughter yesterday told me it was true. My misses as a parent and my openness about those now have taught her how she wants to be with her son. And, so it goes.