There are ways to notice when I am, as a parent, creating barriers through which my children are not seen as 'other' but as an extension of what I think they should be, how they should act, or even think. When I am in that place, my children are, in my mind, an extension of me, rather than who they are.
If I am aware of my language and my feelings, my bodily sensations, I can decide whether it's my turn for a time out or our time for a connecting conversation in which I see this child as 'other', as someone with their own particular way of viewing and experiencing the world.
Most communication occurs with tone of voice and body language, not with the actual words expressed. So, an important first step for me to take is to note whether or not I have any reactive demands or disconnecting feelings. Is my stomach upset? Do I feel angry or fearful? Do I think my child is a problem? Or is he or she someone who needs to change--preferably yesterday?
In my 30+ years of parenting, I was often reactive when a coat was misplaced, a spelling test failed, the proverbial milk spilled. As I've learned, over and over to reclaim myself, what I want to communicate with words aligns with the tone of my voice and the movement of my body.
One of the most salient questions of parenting is, "How do I reclaim myself now? Now who do I choose to be?" With reclaiming of the self, any important conversation can have an element of grace. The first step toward that grace is to notice my Self before I begin any difficult conversation. Where am I, really?
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