Parents Who Keep Growing Up

Being a good parent includes a willingness to grow up so that I can say 'no' without rigidity and recrimination--not always an easy task for me or my husband. Many parents today, including myself, know all too well the permissive pattern of giving until you blow up--partnered with conversations that end in tears and slammed doors. Our work as parents is to be open-hearted and kind, with firm boundaries that make sense. This requirement is reason to see children as teachers.

There's a theory in family systems which talks about problems that emanate from the parents. I do believe it's not all the parents or certainly not always the parents issue when things don't go well. Children are negatively impacted by environmental issues or they may have learning disabilities or allergies or other health issues. They have their uniqueness and go through developmental stages, some stages more challenging than others and within those stages, some children more challenging than others. (I recommend the Gessell Institute studies for reading about developmental stages.) Genetics is a contributing factor in who a child is. It's important to consider all this and to consider what social pressures children might experience. And, it's important to consider the impact we have as parents.

When Carl Jung, the Swiss psychologist, said, "Children are educated by what the grown-up is and not by his talk." this pointed to me, the parent, to the notion that I hold responsibility for my being. The particular way I am reactive, and how I grow and change and learn about being real, approachable, vulnerable, loving....and assuredly authoritative....is my chance to grow up. Within this experience, the circle goes around. I learn from my child because I note my reactivity and so my child learns, not always by what I say, but also by who I am.

Jan