Pyrrhic Victories

Pyrrhus was the king of Epirus, who defeated Roman armies at Asculum, 280 B.C., but at such cost to his own troops that he was unable to follow up and attack Rome itself. He is said to have remarked, "one more such victory and we are lost."

That is so often the parenting style taken on, not by others, but by moi. When our oldest was in fourth grade, she wanted me to take her to school and pick her up. We had two younger ones; I was in graduate school, and her request I thought of as unnecessary. She caught the bus, and besides that, could easily walk to her dad's office after school, only a few blocks away. All of that is true and practical, and the place I missed was I never found out why she wanted me to pick her up. I did not sit with her, hear her, honor and respect her request.

At thirty-one she told me why--How she simply wanted that time alone with me, wanted to be seen and cared for in that way, and my heart did fill with regret--not that I didn't give her everything she asked for, but that I didn't find out the intent motivating her unmet want. I wasn't open, and I won that victory, which I now consider a lost opportunity.

We begin our conversations with others, having predetermined the relationship, projecting onto them what we know to be true. "I know" is an immediate disconnection from others. Not knowing, being curious and open is a state of being that is both humble and alive with possibility. It's the state I was in when I heard our daughter this time, and now forgiving myself fully for what I didn't do then is another step into not knowing and curiousity--I don't know how all of the misses I did as a parent are gifts to my children. That's a concept beyond my understanding, but my daughter yesterday told me it was true. My misses as a parent and my openness about those now have taught her how she wants to be with her son. And, so it goes.

Blended Families Coach: Marcia Walker

The family structure is no longer two parents with 2.4 children. "Family" can mean a single mom with children, a single father with children, two moms, two dads, step moms, step dads, grandparents who parent their grandchildren, and so it goes--We've changed our definition through the Reality of what is.

If you're a part of a blended family, and looking for a coach to facilitate the re-creation of your family, Marcia Walker, is a top of the line choice. She is the step mom/mom in a functioning family, and her "Step By Step" approach facilitates uncovering mythology about the wicked stepmother and uncovering the opposite extreme--that a step parent is capable of the same attachment to the step child as the biological parent. With Marcia, you can learn what is possible for your blended family. Her skill and personal presence (even on the phone) will encourage and change your family to be more than you thought possible. So, if you're part of a blended family, send Ms. Walker a note.

"New Traditions: Redefining Celebrations for Today's Family" by Susan A. Lieberman

This past Labor Day Weekend, our three adult children, daughter-in-law and new grandson traveled to Seeley Lake, Montana. It was our fourth summer in a row to make the trek, the first with our three children and this time we were seven total. We traveled in two cars from Bozeman to Seeley Lake Tamaracks Resort, a pristine, impeccable, for generations family run Montana resort.

It was, for me, the most connecting family vacation I've experienced, and there were three elements that created this highly esteemed outing. First, we were all sleeping in the same cabin instead of separate ones as we had in the past; next, we were relatively drama-free, and finally, we were each responsible for the creation and leadership of a one hour group activity.

These group activities were each unique because everyone made their own choices--and there was no collaboration. In one session, we each talked about visions of the future. Another time we jumped in the early morning freezing lake. We played badminton and wrote letters to the baby for him to read at some future date (those dates ranged from when he's ten to when he becomes an Uncle). We sat together and napped, read, wrote letters and played on a laptop. We played cards, a game from our daughter-in-law's heritage, and finally, we did an affirmation process that had the feel of a meditation.

The willingness of each person to participate fully (and to sometimes not) was inspiring and fine and caused me to wonder what else might be possible. We bring meaning into our lives, give it ground and substance through traditions that say, "This is who we are." I'm dreaming now of how we, together as a family, can give back to humanity. What better way to support our love and spread it out.

P.S. Check out Ms. Lieberman's book on family celebrations for a plethora of ideas.

Learning By Doing

Last weekend, I traveled to San Francisco to Brad Brown's memorial service. Brad, mentor and beloved teacher, died on August 10. Here are a few thing I learned from Brad:

• How to forgive myself and others


• How to clear my thinking by telling the truth


• How to claim my personal authority without being aggressive, pleasing or passive


• How to create art by allowing the art to emerge


• How to release the illusion of control


• How to co-create results with Life


• How to be on an intentional path of self-actualization by processing events in my life


• How to be present, in the here and now


• How to meditate

Brad did not write a book on these subjects, but he designed experiential trainings that included processes-- "how-to's". He impacted thousands of lives from the United States to the United Kingdom and South Africa and New Zealand. He will be missed by many, and I know his essence is here, every time I use one of the processes he created. He has imprinted my being with his brilliance and love, and empowered me to choose my life.

More To Life October 12, 13, 14

Last week, ten of us gathered at Claud's and my house for the first of a five part series of "Coffee Talks" and "Previews" that lead up to the More To Life Weekend Elaine Alpert, Senior Trainer and I will train on October 12,13.14, 2007 in Bozeman, Montana.

We had seven students of the program and three guests present, and we used Dr. Brad Brown's Guidelines to Relationships to talk about our own relationships and how we are being in them. One student talked about feeling frustrated and angry, having witnessed mistreatment of a child. This was anger and resentment we all understood.

We talked about the pain of resentment, how it hurts us, claims our lives in an underhanded way, contaminates our ability to stay present, to love ourselves, our lives, to love others. Yet at the end of all our talk, there was no obvious door that led out of that troublesome place of resentment.

Amazingly, More To Life is a training filled with how to accomplish that which appears impossible--like fully forgiving, without hesitation or recrimination. I've sat with people as they did just that--completed the task, felt light afterwards, easy in themselves, heartened.

If you've taken the More To Life Weekend, come play on team October 12, 13, 14. There is no skill needed to do that--just more opportunity to claim your life. If you haven't taken More To Life, I invite you to attend a Coffee Talk and Preview. It's a chance to explore this program that offers more--mostly more of you being yourself.

Upcoming Parenting Course

In my opinion, the most important thing a parent can do is to grow themselves. When I do that, I provide for my children an atmosphere of clarity and integrity. I can be trusted because I am authentic and authoritative, without being demanding.

For five Tuesday evenings from 7:00 to 9:00, October 30 through November 27 (an exception is that we may meet on Monday, November 19 instead of Tuesday, the 20th), I will be teaching a Parenting Class in Bozeman, Montana. It is aptly called, "Your Child As Zen Master: A Parenting Class" because we'll be exploring our 'stuck' places with our children--not from the perspective of 'what's going on with my child?' but from the perspective of 'how am I reacting (or over reacting) to my child?'.

Carl Jung said that if you want to be a good parent, do your own personal work. He also had the notion that when a parent is over reactive toward their child, it's because of their own projections. For instance, I had a difficult time when I was nine, so it was challenging for me to maintain my connection with my own children when they were nine.

In this Parenting Course, you'll note your own projections and then do your personal work so that you become more congruent, providing your child with a steady rooted-ness that children, no matter their age (and mine are grown) thrive in.

If you are interested or would like more information, Email or call 406 570 3791. If you're not in Bozeman and want to have this course in your city, let me know. We'll see what we can work out!

Voice Movement Therapy

Jackson, our three week old grandson, is vocal--more so than I remember our children being. I think it's because his mom, while birthing him, used Voice Movement Therapy throughout. Her birthing experience was so powerful--her voice so expressive and open--that the midwife has asked, "Now who was it you did VMT with?" She has another mom-to-be who wants to prepare for childbirth with our daughter's VMT therapist, Kelly Close.

Having my own voice has been an issue for me. I was raised in the South, third daughter and by the time I came along, I don't think my parents had the bandwidth to hear me. And, being a child, I took it personally--thinking that meant I had nothing to say.

Jackson seems to have a head start. He's a noisy guy--not with crying but with the full expression of whatever he is experiencing. I think he got it from being in the birthing canal and hearing his mom, chanting and singing her way through childbirth. Her voice, his voice--to him it's the same. He still knows we are one, and he doesn't mind telling us.